Humor In Pregnancy Can Help ED Mamas-To-Be

Your back hurts from the weight you’re carrying up front, random coarse dark hairs sprout out of your chin that your husband offers to pluck for you (thanks honey!), and oh dammit, is that one coming out of your cheek? Welcome to pregnancy or as Will Smith raps and because it’s catchy AF, “Bienvenidos a Pregnancy” (in Miami tune). Pregnancy comes with a lot of fun little changes to your body (thanks hormones!). Fortunately, not everyone will get every side effect.

However, there is one thing about pregnancy that is universally true for every woman who finds herself lucky enough to carry a little bundle, and this little tidbit may be daunting for a recovering anorexic–you are going to gain weight to the point where you don’t recognize your body. Yes, you heard me right, but don’t sound the alarms just yet (no one can do that like Queen Beyoncé anyway.) I am on pregnancy number two, so you will probably do the whole thing again and maybe again and again. If you are feeling crazy, maybe even Duggar status, no judgment here. Bottom line, it can’t be that terrible.

My advice is to take in this new body with acceptance and humor. Acceptance, for pretty obvious reasons, you are carrying the best thing that will ever happen to you so it is more than worth it. But sometimes rationalizing that fact with the ED Voice can be a losing battle. Yes, you know you have a beautiful baby in your belly and you are lucky as hell, but you still feel like a whale, and you start hating yourself for these feelings. What do you do? Try this new attitude I have developed –look at your body with humor goggles (like beer goggles, but they won’t steer you wrong.) I dare you– because if you can laugh in the face of your ED voice, you know you have really put this whole ED thing behind you.

For example, I am twenty-five weeks pregnant with my second child and my boobs have grown to a size quadruple D (minimal exaggeration) like I got a massive boob job, except they aren’t perky or pretty.

They are actually so big that they fascinate my fifteen-month old daughter.

Her eyes become large like she is watching a car wreck, fascination and horror filled baby browns, as she points and says “boo, boos,” what she calls my boobs or what used to be my boobs now replaced by two gigantic itchy veiny beasts.

“Yes, and they feel like boo boos too,” I say back to her and don’t correct her wordage, because damn, these things ache too, and my little girl may be on to something. So the humor in this situation is that my boobs are so obscene that they are now one of my daughter’s first words.

Your stomach will bulge outward to make room for your baby pushing your belly button in that direction. This creeps me out the most, because my belly button starts making it’s way to outie-status. Every day I slowly glance at it as it pushes a little more and more towards the surface. My husband and me joke about it, even making bets on the day when it will officially be like “hi, I am an outie, what’s up?”

I also tend to do things to lighten up my thoughts on my big round belly. Sometimes I will even paint a smiley face in lipstick on it. Why? Because it makes me laugh and gives my belly some character, a little personality, and some sass.

So if you are a recovering or recovered ED mama-to-be who is struggling with body acceptance during pregnancy try this humor approach. Find the funny in your new temporary body. You are blessed and humor can help you remember that—even with each hair on your chinny-chin-chin (And you will understand the three little pigs more than ever as a life bonus!).

Prouder Then Ever Of My Frump

“Dani you always wear the same blues.” My mom said looking me up and down, up and down, eyes scanning me from head to toe.

“That’s because I aspire to be a smurf,” I said straight faced, because you know what? It’s kind of true. Who wouldn’t want to be a cute little blue humanoid and get to live in a mushroom-shaped house? I would change my identity to “Frumpy Smurf.” It would be a perfect fit. But I digress…

So what are these so-called blues? The blues are sets of pajamas I have– all a shade of blue, not an extremely complex concept–which I wear on a nightly basis. Oh and I look forward to getting into them all day long, that sometimes I actually sneak them on during the day too. I know, so scandalous or face with stuck-out tongue and winking eye emoji-worthy crazy. Hands down favorite part of the day: taking the bra off and putting on the blues. And I am not some crazy “blue lady,” believe it or not, this collection of comfies is totally coincidental: The blue life chose me; I didn’t choose the blue life. There is one thing they all have in common besides their color scheme. They are so comfy like what I would imagine being wrapped-up in a Little Giraffe swaddle to feel like.

Anyway, my mom thought I could use a wardrobe overhaul. Which I translated into: Dani, I want to GET RID OF THE BLUES. All I could do was picture her throwing them in a big black garbage bag and me in slow motion screaming: NOOOO.

Viv plays with my blues all the time—giving me big “hugy hugs” in them, playing with my sleeves. I have a zipper on a sweatshirt that she pulls up and down as she giggles at the short hissing noise it makes.

For years when I was struggling with anorexia, actually the majority of my life, I cared so much about what others thought about me. You are not pretty enough for this person or not smart enough for that person. I heard the ana voices constantly screaming in my ears. Now, the only person’s opinion I care about is my daughter’s and she loves me, frump included. She loves me for me–no makeup, comfy sweats, and hair in a messy bun. A child’s love goes a long way. Babies just want to love and be loved. They are so sweet, pure and innocent. They know good people, so when you have a baby’s love and approval, you know you are doing something right. In conclusion, keep being you.

So my reply to my mom would be reminiscent of Cher in Clueless “as if” or “whatever.” Meaning, no wardrobe overhaul needed, but thank you!

So yes I will wear my blues. I feel my best in them and that’s all that matters because remember the comfy blue life chose me and now I choose it back.