Don’t Be A Fear Pusher, Be An Encourager

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I hate when people push their fears onto me. I have been getting this a lot lately.  I am pregnant with my third baby, and people have been panicking on my behalf like they are the ones giving birth to this tiny human, even though I have the Buddha belly and hormone spike to prove otherwise.

“How are you going to do it?”

“How will you leave the house with three under four?”

Then said mom muses out loud, “I mean, if you decide you want help, you can always hire someone.” Geez, thanks. Also, thanks for offering to spend my money. Appreciate it.

Thought: Well I wasn’t worried about those things, at least those particular things…but thanks for surfacing those fears.

People tend to project their fears onto you and like verbal diarrhea they spit fire at you, not the most encouraging questions.

And look, I have enough fears. I promise I don’t lack in the anxiety department.  I mean, I am the mother that checks on my kids before I go to bed each night even though I have two monitors for each of their rooms. I tiptoe in, sneaking as best as I can, hoping the carpet will create a soft sponge-like effect on my often-heavy feet. In my mind, I am ninja-like doing forward rolls and high kicks—all while making no sounds. In reality, I may be jerking and creaking with each step. I sneak in at night to take a whiff, make sure no one dirtied her diaper and is sleeping in it.

Because: my babies not feeling comfortable, when I could possibly prevent it, is something I do think about, a lot.

While I am in there, I pull a blanket over my oldest. I wake her up at times, but she’s used to seeing me at this point. She gives me a weary look, as I say “It’s only mommy go back to bed.” And she does, while I stroke her head.

Trust me, if you are thinking about your children’s potential poopy diapers to the point where you risk waking them on a nightly basis— you are a worrier. Bringing a new life into this world, into this house, will be a big change for my two children. I fear my 18-month-old who has no idea what is going on, will feel replaced when I cradle the new baby into my arms. I dread to be away when I give birth because that will be the longest I’ve ever been away from my littlest. So yes, I have fears, but they are different from your worries.

Instead, if you want to be helpful or feel compelled to say something, tell me:

“You got this mama. You will be great.”

“Three kids means three times the love.”

“Three healthy kids, what a blessing!”

So please, let’s not push our fears onto each other. If we must project, let’s push encouragement instead. As mothers, as women, we can do anything. And you know why? Because once it happens, we have no choice but to make it our beautiful, messy, imperfect new normal.

Our new normal we would never trade back for anything, ever.

 

I Have Never Been A Girly Girl: But I Was Meant To Be A Mother Of Girls

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I have never been a girly girl. I am not into the color pink, design, or dressing up. I never wear makeup and haven’t had a manicure in god knows how long, and I am not into any activities that are associated with the traditional role of a girl. But there is one thing I am sure of; I was meant to be a mother of girls.

When I was newly pregnant with my third child, I was so nauseous, aka vomiting-level-nausea, that I thought I must be pregnant with twins this time around.  When at six weeks the doctor only heard one heartbeat, my next theory was I must be having a boy. With my first two girls, I had a mild sea sickness like nausea feeling or nausea light compared to this, so this had to be a sign of a different gender. Well, we got the test back and–dum da-da-dum–it was another girl! I laughed so hard because I always joked with my husband that we would have all girls because his interests are more traditionally feminine. But now, this is our reality.

And you know what? I couldn’t be happier, because I believe now more than ever that I was meant to be a girl mom.

I was meant to be a girl mom because I have been through struggles with my body and mind, so I know what is important. I will let my daughters know that society is wrong, thin is not the most important thing, and diets are never the answer. And even if they are thin, it doesn’t mean everything in their life will come together. At my thinnest, my life was in complete shambles, and I was a shell of my former self.

I won’t let my daughters think they have to be perfect. I played the trying to be perfect people pleasing game for way too long and the only conclusion I came to was that perfection doesn’t exist and if you try to be perfect, you are going to end up completely miserable. I will encourage them to be themselves and do what comes naturally as long as they are kind and considerate human beings.

I will never criticize mine or someone else’s body and appearance in front of them. I know how harmful that can be. That when I do that, they will just look at themselves and reflect what they can do to improve their own bodies.

I have been there. I have been in a place where mealtimes were warzones. My whole being had been completely taken over by a thing my mom called “the devil inside of me.” I was possessed in these moments and couldn’t be reasoned with. The devil (my eating disorder) would pick those fights because he wanted me to give up on my recovery and myself. That would be my excuse to self-hate, not care to recover anymore, and completely self-destruct. I wanted the permission to give up on myself. If only my mom would first. Luckily, she never gave up on me, and here I am.

I have been to dark places as a female. Not thinking I’m enough, looking at others and feeling like a misfit and a complete reject. So, I will know how to snap my daughters out of it before they are sucked into that scary world of self-doubt. I will teach them that their uniqueness, what makes them original and sets them apart is their sweet spot. That will be the part I will love and cherish about them the most.

I will teach them that being a good human, that cares for others, their family and friends, and wants to better the world is the most important thing. Being happy and healthy is the most important thing. Being successful is not about what they have material wise or an ongoing list of achievements. But I want them to never give up on their dreams and what makes them happy. I am a true believer if you want something enough and never give up, you can make it happen for yourself.

I want to have strong, independent, smart and kind girls. I want girls who support and encourage one another — girls who build each other up. We need more girls like this in our society.

So even though I have never been a girly girl. I am not into the color pink, design, or dressing up. I never wear makeup and haven’t had a manicure in god knows how long, and I am not into any activities that are associated with the traditional role of a girl.

There is one thing I am sure of in my heart; I was always meant to be a mother of girls.

The struggles I have been through in my life have lead me to this role.